I honestly don't know how to live here, in this place. I've never felt so inadequate. There's always someone better. There's always someone kinder, more creative, prettier, sweeter, more interesting, less busy...I can't handle it sometimes. I wouldn't say I'm an insecure person. I'm okay with who I am. I like being me. I know what I'm comfortable with, and what I'm not so comfortable with. I know what I want, and I'm at peace with it. But I still have this need to be understood. I just want someone to get me so bad! Please understand me! Love me for me! Know how I feel, why I think what I think, and love me regardless, inspite, or because of it. When will I be the one and only that turns that head? When will I fall through the floor for the guy that's head over heals in love with the real me?
Intimacy is intimidating, but only because I can't be intimate with someone who doesn't know, accept, and love who I am now, without being satisfied with me staying the same. I'm waiting...so many of my friends are there. They've found the person to grow close to and commit to. It's freaking me out. We're going on eighteen, and they're there. And here I am, so not there. I could get into relationships, but they're not right. I want him, and she has him. And she's perfect for him. He loves her, for real. And she loves him for real. And I'm on the floorboards over him. God, why? Is this just so I have a standard and don't settle for less? Are there going to be guys left when I'm finally the girl worth having? I'm fine for me now, and I'm fine for you, you're perfecting me day by day. But am I ever going to be good for someone else? Is it normal to be insecure about some things, without just being desperate..incomplete? God I hate being desperate. I hate not being all together. I hate appearing weak. But here I am being honest with myself. Maybe this is the sort of thing you're not supposed to put on the internet, oh well. I want him, I can't have him. Maybe I'll never have someone, and that just sucks.
I'm done.
