I’m surviving this crazy time, but I really don’t know how. I’m so completely up to my neck in work; I don’t know how I’m managing to keep my head above it all. And yet I thrive on this busyness. Boredom is no longer in my vocabulary, except when it comes to my relationship with Ben. We run out of things to do occasionally, more just recently I guess. He bought me Subway today. I felt a little terrible considering I am just so frustrated with us sometimes. And today I just needed to clear my head, because if I didn’t, whatever is going on inside was just going to come out in action. He knew something was up, so I guess it was already starting to just come out.
When school starts, and life gets easier…a bit easier anyway, I’m going to start planning some trips I think. I want to visit some schools I’m actually interested in going to, and I want to start writing to some organizations that I might actually do missions with. I want to read up a lot and start applying this Maddie I’ll be when high school ends.
I’m still working on exercising, eating healthy, beating my coffee addiction, etc. Some luck…Everything really is wonderful in moderation. I’m left feeling so empty when I overdose on anything. I’m feeling better and better about the choices I make to keep productive, and stay content, and be honest, and live simply. Conversations with my parents come easier and easier, which is wonderful…such a blessing. My relationship with Kristen continues to be difficult, but I’m starting to accept that it can’t be helped. We just view things entirely different, and have completely opposite priorities. I feel such loss, and yet I am so resigned. The point is, the more balanced my life is, the more calm and accepting I am of the things around me. I feel so less like a victim.
That’s how simple it is, I think. My life has changed for the better recently simply because, living an examined life with intentionality has fused my spiritual health with a balance in my physicality. I have this conviction, that He’s the only thing in life worth pursuing and finding. He makes everything else worth the fight. It’s just beautiful to me that the focused simplicity of my reality has become my pursuit of Him in action.
I love Jesus, and it’s hard to post that on a blog because it’s so mis-associated with empty words taught in a limited western world religion. I really do love him though. I want to be the Maddie he imagines me being. And it’s that simple. The beauty is the intense, complicated, contentment that comes as I get closer.
"I am resolved to find you. I am resolved to see you, and I am resolved to please your heart...this is my desire..." -Jess Witmer
When school starts, and life gets easier…a bit easier anyway, I’m going to start planning some trips I think. I want to visit some schools I’m actually interested in going to, and I want to start writing to some organizations that I might actually do missions with. I want to read up a lot and start applying this Maddie I’ll be when high school ends.
I’m still working on exercising, eating healthy, beating my coffee addiction, etc. Some luck…Everything really is wonderful in moderation. I’m left feeling so empty when I overdose on anything. I’m feeling better and better about the choices I make to keep productive, and stay content, and be honest, and live simply. Conversations with my parents come easier and easier, which is wonderful…such a blessing. My relationship with Kristen continues to be difficult, but I’m starting to accept that it can’t be helped. We just view things entirely different, and have completely opposite priorities. I feel such loss, and yet I am so resigned. The point is, the more balanced my life is, the more calm and accepting I am of the things around me. I feel so less like a victim.
That’s how simple it is, I think. My life has changed for the better recently simply because, living an examined life with intentionality has fused my spiritual health with a balance in my physicality. I have this conviction, that He’s the only thing in life worth pursuing and finding. He makes everything else worth the fight. It’s just beautiful to me that the focused simplicity of my reality has become my pursuit of Him in action.
I love Jesus, and it’s hard to post that on a blog because it’s so mis-associated with empty words taught in a limited western world religion. I really do love him though. I want to be the Maddie he imagines me being. And it’s that simple. The beauty is the intense, complicated, contentment that comes as I get closer.
"I am resolved to find you. I am resolved to see you, and I am resolved to please your heart...this is my desire..." -Jess Witmer