I'm praying that my work with Brotherhood will turn into a fall term school internship. That is to say, I think it would be really good. Working at the company brings out the good in me, and would be a balanced place of employment with a rigorous senior year packed with Advanced Placement classes. Actually, I haven't prayed about it. I am by no means factoring my God out of the equation, or at least I'm not meaning to.
I wonder if my relationship with God isn't taking a pivotal turn. I believe it all. I value it all. I love him, and owe everything to him. I want to do what I was made to do, and I want that to serve others, and build a kingdom reflection of perfect community and love. But I rarely pick up my bible anymore, and church is a place of community and fellowship, and an outlet for music creativity and worship. I'm not freaked out about my faith or my life and its foundation or direction or the decisions I'm making. Looking at it as I sometimes do though; it lacks intensity and a radical personality.
Music is the most intense, sense-ensnaring, emotive, connecting thing I know. I want my relationship with Christ to be like that. That's what I want, but I don't know if that's what this pursuit of Christ is really all about. I'm inclined to think though, that I'll never begin to reject this selfish lifestyle until I become so infatuated with Christ and his beautiful ideas and plans of redemption, I won't see myself anymore.
Honestly, I just don't know where to start, or how to do it. And I'm obviously not there. My life is very normal; better than most probably.
I've just been thinking about whether a perfect kingdom, and a perfect god are at the center of my life, and whether it is visible.
Another show downtown tonight with Benjamin, and there were many others tonight too which was nice. Jono is back in town. My straight-forward friend is concerned about my relationship; for this I'm greatful. I'm glad people don't put it past me to be stupid. I'm glad I'm kept on my toes, and that people care enough about me, they'll force me to evaluate my choices over and over again.
Here's an aside of the little things that make this girl giddy recently: Ben and I walked along the river greenway for a bit just before he took me home tonight. Lots of laughing, and pointless chatter. There was coffee waiting when I got to his house last night and a movie picked. I was offered an amazing job with Tom and Eric, even though I prefer Brotherhood. Tomorrow is Saturday and I can sleep as late as I want. I might get a piercing tomorrow.
Goodnight chums.
