I ordered the 7th Harry Potter book off of amazon. For just twenty bucks that wonderful thing is going to be on my doorstep on the 21st. It's quite possibly ridiculous that I'm excited about such a thing. I'll get over it though. I feel so content after reading a good book. It's beautiful because it feels tangible but it's not. I need to pick up the Irresistible Revolution again. (Check out the writer and his community if you're interested.) The book impressed on me that true Christianity is so falsely defined by our society. It was the most insightful book I read this school year. Someday I want to visity the simple way house.I might be going to North Carolina this weekend to help Lindsay pack up her stuff. she's moving back to Fort Wayne, which means she'll be living with her dad. I have mixed feelings. I want her to be happy and I want her to make her own decisions. The reality is it just sucks for her no matter where she lives for the next year. Her dad's here. Mom is in NC. All the jealousy and possessiveness accquainted with divorced parents gets dumped on her no matter what. It's not fair. She's made this difficult choice though, and so I'm proud of her, and I'll support whatever. She's a really strong person. She'll make it no matter what comes.
I tried really hard to talk to Nathan this weekend. I wanted to get past this horrible bitterness and anger I can't seem to let go. But I never got the chance, and honestly I'm glad. You know what just shocks me. People can think they've found someone they can trust; someone they really care about, someone they might even love. And then a break-up happens, accompanied by a strange phenomena. That same person becomes the enemy. I feel stupid. Like what was I thinking? How could I ever care about someone like that. I feel guilty for thinking the worst of him. So I hate him not only for the past, and for the reasons we broke up, I hate him because I feel guilty for hating him! I wish I'd never known him. It would have saved us so much crap. Regret tastes bitter! Being totally honest though, if it makes him feel bad, if it gives him any remorse that I regret him, I hope he knows. I want more than anything for him to feel horrible. Gee aren't I the sweetest? How did I become this angry? When? Ugh. How long have I been drowning in my own bitterness?
"It's a bad time to learn to swim when you begin to drown." -Tegan and Sara
In spite of some confusion about relationships- encompassing family, friends, and guys- I'm glad for the things I'm spending my time and energy and affections on right now; a huge improvement on how I felt the whole school year- like everything was was worthless and a waste of time. It's all worth something to me now, and it all feels like investment, and worthy pursuit. It gives me peace to be able to say that honestly.
